The boys are all lined up in the white lights and doing the following: Danny is smarming and then going completely dead inside while you watch, Kris is staring into space waiting to be sent home tomorrow, and Adam is mentally doing his grocery shopping. Ryan reminds us that we're doing the hometown visits, which is good because I have to be nice during those or I get letters. The lady from Lie To Me is pretty, but not so thrilled to be there. I wonder if every Fox person has to show up at Idol some unknown number of times in order to keep their jobs. Maybe everybody there is fulfilling an obligation of some sort.

This is the 300th episode of the show. Jeez. I wonder how many of those I've written about. At this point probably more than half. That's disturbing. More disturbing: Randy's Gokey-esque blue plastic idiot glasses. Nice. And then there's Paula, sitting with her chair turned away from the stage for attention, and it's like coming home to see them all acting up like this. The Top Three come out wearing similar silhouettes: Danny and Kris in t-shirts under vests or whatever, and Adam with his shirt buttoned down to here.

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Nothing to report of the megawattage they'd have us believe last night was made of, beyond Jamie Foxx wrapping things up by still being weird, and clawing at the camera like a cat, all "Let's shock the world!" You know what's shocking? Fighting with Miley Cyrus after you've won an Oscar. Anyway, Ryan shoots some finger guns after walking down the steps in a genteel fashion, and then who do my little eyes spy but Vanessa Abrams herself, Jessica Szohr. Maybe she's going to do one of her Dove ads about Kara DioGuardi's imaginary eating disorder.

Tonight, KD is wearing a weird silver neckline that looks like it was pleated and pinned by a Project Runway contestant about six seconds ago, while Paula's got ginormous earrings from the Renaissance Olde Tymes and a matching giant head broach right above her ear that makes her look like she's in a Star Trek religion. She looks lovely, so does Simon, and Randy is still classless. Simon says that he's amazed, on rewatch, by just how good everybody was, which they were, and says that it was the best Top 5 episode ever, which it was. He says any of them have the chance to win at this point, and he's sort of stunned by this realization.

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I knew it was Rat Pack night, but seeing them dressed like that is like waking up from a dream where you got fired and then waking up enough to remember that you really did get fired. In fact, I'm worried enough that I'm going to cheat and look at the song list... Oh, that's nice! I like all of these songs! As long as they don't bring out Tony Bennett this should go well. Matt's going to kill! [This is Jacob from the future, pointing and laughing at you for thinking Matt's awesomeness and his song's awesomeness couldn't possibly add up to something stupid.]

Paula's wearing a crazy dress, in a lovely shade of red, that looks like a classroom decoration for Valentine's Day as viewed from a very wrong angle. The band rocks out playing some little jazz tune because of course they're going to both be awesome and enjoy themselves immensely tonight, Kara does a little dance, and then there's the Idols. From this distance, Danny looks fabulous, Allison looks almost properly attired, Matt is wearing an annoying hat and suit like Dick Tracy, Kris is tiny and can wear anything he wants, and Adam's back in all-white, which means drama. Up close, Matt's wearing a blue shirt with a grey suit and has thus redeemed himself away from the swinger ethos he looked like at first glance, and Danny is wearing a hideous chin-beard.

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The opening Vegas Fights montage has an interesting moment in it, of Lil once again just assuming that the judges, and their advice, have nothing to do with her performance or the voting of America. Very interesting. I can't say that I would be disappointed to see her go. I have no animus toward her -- she's just tired of the runaround, and not actively obnoxious like Danny and Anoop -- but she really has just brought all she has to the table at this point, and there's nothing to be done about that. I feel like she's actually on this show five years ago and nobody's articulated to her the difference, or the year, so we're just getting like these scratchy Frequency phone calls from her intentions.

Ryan wishes us a happy Earth Day and reminds us that the finale will be "green powered," whatever the holy hell that means, but tonight they still have to use an entire coal mine full of children to power the whirling insanity that is the Idol stage. There will be some legendary disco faces, if you can call them that -- hell, if you can call them "legendary" even -- and then David Archuleta, of the Salt Lake Archuletas, and then finally the hotly anticipated double elimination. I wish I could care, but they've settled the finale so early this year that it's really just a group of three or four people and then assorted cannon fodder, and it doesn't really matter what order they leave in.

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Dear Fox: saying "SO ECO-FRIENDLY" actually is the very, very least you can do. So thanks? I'm old enough to know you don't get anywhere with anything unless you can sell it, and somebody's paying for Fox's self-conscious green campaign, so who knows. Remember the '90s when recycling was super cool, and now it's just something you do? I guess it's like that. Al Gore invented everything, he's like Shakespeare or that guy with the peanuts.

Paula's sartorial nod to the disco theme is appreciated, although Ryan seems to think Simon's white t-shirt is just as respectable. We get a look once again at the Top 7, and remember that two of them are going home tomorrow. Ryan approves of Anoop's Vampire Weekend getup as usual, but I'm more impressed by Adam's return to the Thin Blemished Duke look.

First up and without further ado is Lil doing a thin vocal on "I'm Every Woman," thereby demonstrating that she is so tired of trying to figure out the judges' bullshit advice that she's not even going to try anymore. It's pretty horrific sounding, to be honest. She sounds like she just ran a marathon and lost a kidney on the way to the stage; on the other hand, the key change is exciting as ever, and apparently one of the women she is doesn't feel like shaving her pits.

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Tonight, apparently, we are going "big time"; this means that we're watching these kids sing music from the movies, in the presence of Quentin Tarantino, also from the movies. I'm not sure what the point is, of having him here, since he doesn't sing and only knows about music from movies he's seen or whatever is most desperately interesting. I like the movies that he makes but I no longer care particularly for him, because not only did he lose his unique looks but he's managed to make of himself a caricature of himself, which was already a caricature. Which does my head in, but also makes him the opposite of Kevin Smith, a charming man whom I love deeply but whose career, creatively, seems to revolve around creating irritating characters and then making them do irritating things.

Ah, he was a guest judge on this show in Season Three. Which was before anybody thought to pay me to watch this show. And now look at us, you and I. And look at QT, who has some kind of seriously troubling haircut happening, and how he's sitting in the audience watching this go on, and I guess taking part in the mentoring somehow this week. Really? I feel like maybe they explained why this was a good idea five years ago, but I'll be damned if they've done it this year.

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Ryan introduces Simon as "Darth Vader" and then Paula, out of the deep weirdness of herself and wearing a whole crazy outfit with pearls and long silk gloves, produces a photograph of her head and Simon's head glued onto a sepia print of little Dickensian kids. Those always make me think of how the aristocracy used to have themselves and their dead babies commemorated in those pictures, or in portraits with the dead kids alive, or represented by skulls or whatever. The Olden Times were so f*cked up. But well, babies die less now so maybe there's not as much of a market for incredibly creepy dead baby sh*t.

Then Ryan shows a Frankie Avalon performance of "Venus" from the year Simon was born. What the eff is going on here? Is it going to get ghoulish and will Natalie Cole start singing with dead Frankie Avalon as some kind of joke about how old Simon is? Wait, no, because Frankie Avalon is alive, and singing on the Idol stage. Which is somehow more f*cked up, because why the eff is Frankie Avalon here and singing for us all? They talk about it for awhile, but nobody really knows why so they can't give you much information.

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If you TiVo American Idol (like I do), then you may have missed Adam Lambert's performance. The show went over by seven minutes, so most people's DVRs cut off Adam's rendition of Tears for Fears' "Mad World."

Luckily, Ryan Seacrest's peeps put the video online. Check it out:

Ooh, The Year You Were Born! That takes the sting off not being able to see Ryan's tie bar that he's been obsessing about all day on twitter. I love Year You Were Born. If I were on this show, first of all I would not be on this show, but if I were -- and I couldn't do "Magnet & Steel" because that's what I always say, because it is the most perfect song ever written -- I would sing...

Jesus God 1978 was queer. I knew there was disco and shit, but man, I was born in the gayest year of all time. I can't believe anybody had time to conceive me, what with all this nonsense. I thought it was going to be like, tube socks, and Jodie Foster wearing lots of shorts. No wonder I loved Swingtown so much. Check it, in one poor naïve year you have: "Got To Be Real," "I Love the Nightlife," "I'm Every Woman," "Last Dance," "Le Freak," "MacArthur Park," "Shake Your Groove Thing," and (obligatorily) "YMCA." That's just... That's like Liberace and how nobody knew, and you look at your grandma like, "But for real, though?"

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The opening moment is ten times more dramatic than ever before, with shots of one microphone with a white spotlight juxtaposed against various dramatic statements by the Judgery. It's "true genius," as Paula would say, or "artistry" as Kara would. Mostly it's just very, very good television. Also good television? The fact that tonight's guest stars are Lady Gaga and David Cook. If you want the kids on this show to look into the prostitution eightball and see what magical fates await, that really is the dilemma, isn't it? Lady Gaga is the burnt-out sex-theme park robot creature this show wants, and David is the naïve, compromised artist to which the show pretends to aspire in its better moments.

Randy says the incredibly sensible fact that maybe giving these kids the theme of "Anything Or Whatever" might have been a tad ambitious for everybody concerned, and Ryan does some cleanup as far as the idiots that yelled at Kara last night. (Main idiot was supposedly Megan Joy's brother. -- Angel) She gives yet another canned speech, this time about how getting heckled is actually a sign that she's a part of the family and doing her job and being the hardass that she so continually tries to be. To lots of boos, ironically. Kara, don't sweat it. Getting booed even ten percent of Simon's boos means you're fifty times better than the other two. Paula says something about conviction and enthusiasm and does the cleanup thing after her particular love of Adam last night, saying that all of them are super great. Ryan asks Simon who should be worried: Anoop, Matt, and Megan. And he'll stop there, because that's ... all he needed to say.

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Paula is dressed like a hot pink wedding cake, and Simon's wearing a sweater. Nothing else on that front to report. Well, I can't believe Sarver will be on the tour and Alexis won't. Does that seem right to you? Ryan asks Kara to define "artistry" for us, and she says that it's taking a song that you've heard a million times and... whatever, it's rehearsed and we already know it. Ryan asks if Paula's got any props under the table, and she gives him the` all clear. And what's Simon looking forward to? Ryan being amazing, he says, and the artists being amazing, need he say more? No, he need not. Ryan agrees.

Harry Hamlin's got his kids and Taylor McBride out in the audience, which would normally earn us a whole thing about Lisa Rinna's face and Harry Hamlin's face and how every second brings them closer into alignment of being the same face, but not tonight. I am too tired for me to care, and Allison has already f*cked up too bad.

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Smokey Robinson has been watching the show all along, and agrees that this season is the awesomest, but not in that way where the current season is the best thing ever. I think he actually thinks that. He is a sweet man, I think. He seems really earnest. I wonder when his birthday is... Man, astrology is so dumb because it's always right. Smokey Robinson is on the cusp of Pisces and Aquarius, so he literally is the nicest man out of every 365.25 people. Maybe every day is his best day ever. Simon is smack in the middle of Libra, which makes sense because people always get confused about whether or not he's a dick, or just right.

Ryan and Simon keep getting into this fight that so boring I had to rewind it a hundred times. So I guess on the Tonight Show Simon said that either Diddy or Obama tried to schedule lunch with him, and he blew it off to have lunch with the other one. None of which is true. And I guess that some blogger or something ran with it, so now Ryan has to do the obligatory "let's clear something up," which always irritates Simon, rightfully, and anyway: Whatever you thought happened on the Tonight Show was not what happened, because it was a joke. And it's a small but I think integral moment of personal revolution that I will now refuse to clear up the clearing up business by finding out what the eff they are talking about. Seacrest, you can consider me actively revolting. Just like Speidi.

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The judges tonight -- besides Simon, who's wearing some high-rise jeans -- are dressed like auditioners: the guy one in Mathlete cardigan, Kara wearing an evening dress well before its appointed hour, and Paula wearing the native costume of Those Auditioners That Always Love Paula Too Much: big poofy skirt, giant bow, breastplate, shoes with little Namor wings. Ryan comes bounding down the stairs under a light so bright and so big that it looks like his head has finally gone nova. I can already tell I don't have time for this shit tonight. How long until it's not two hours anymore? Everybody's over the Influenza B, but not over Alexis' disappearance. You know what? I'm over both. The Judgery say they're not, but they are too. Kara is a little bitchy: "She's a good singer, she just picked some bad songs the last... Few.... Times." Paula and Ryan talk about how cute they look, and then are going on a date. Simon tells her to cram it and get off his man. Paula says she wants the Idols to express their artistic integrity and "switch it up" tonight.

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Scott MacIntyre has finally surpassed Matt G in their all-out race to hotness, which I sort of saw coming. Matt G looks his best at the piano, with all the lights and the awesome singing faces of him, but otherwise he looks like Academic Decathlon. I wish that on Wednesdays they would do the big intro just for Ryan Seacrest, since the Judgery is already sitting. How many votes last nights? Over 31 million. "A great number," Ryan says, and people cheer. Why times two. Tonight, somebody named Brad and also Randy T and Carrie will sing a duet. That probably will rule. They're both gay-but-not-really, in different ways and in the same way, respectively, and they both have voices like wild, inbred angels.

Ryan calls Paula and Simon "Paula 'Straight Hair' Abdul" and "Simon 'Losing His Hair' Cowell." Not funny, and yet he still has to explain it to a member of the Judges' panel that is neither named above nor female. I mean, I fucking wish he would. Simon's hair has always been his biggest hotness problem, combining as it does "Psycho Fourth Grader Who Draws Guns In The Margins Of His Schoolbooks" with "Creepy Janitor Who Used To Go To This School Thirty Years Ago." It would not take that much to fix it. Leave the Fuller Brush Man/Chris Cooper Marine factor and just remove the "I slept on this" weirdo part it develops on its sneaky little own and you'll be fine.

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Yep, the big intro of the judges is here to stay. So dumb. They walk out onstage like the proud young ambiguous icons in the opener, and there's all kinds of applause, and it's insane. Kara is dressed like some kind of space senator, which is sort of awesome; she and Paula canoodle all cutely even though they were just backstage canoodling. Then there's this weird little blip where everything turns green and there are like six notes of some sort of jig and Ryan says that after a couple of pints this show might be enjoyable. Or something like that, I'm paraphrasing. I was raised to really, really hate St. Patrick's Day and what it stands for, but I don't want to fight about it so we're moving on.

Last week sucked for Jasmine and Jorge, whom the judges simply refused to save. I think at some point I'm going to hate the bait and switch with the Power of Veto, but I still think it's hilarious. "Sing, monkey! Sing like it matters! Oh, but it didn't. Ha!" That's humor. Plus, I heard that they already have the Top 4 decided (Danny, Adam, Lil and Alexis) so the next six weeks are more about watching Megan and Allison dress like a concussed Betty Suarez and Emily the Strange With Boots Made For Kicking, respectively, and sitting on the edge of your chair hoping nothing f*cked up happens to Scott on live TV.

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On tonight's American Idol, host Ryan Seacrest announced this season's "big twist."

It's actually pretty interesting.

In order to prevent the best singers from being prematurely eliminated -- like what happened to Jennifer Hudson, Chris Daughtry and Michael Johns -- the Idol team has introduced "the save."

For the rest of the season, the judges have one -- yes, just one -- save. So, if someone gets sent home who the judges think deserves a second chance, they can save that person from elimination. No one will go home that night, but two people will go home the following week.

Considering the judges can only use this save once, I have a feeling they'll wait until it gets down to fewer contestants. I can't imagine they'd waste it now, since we don't know the singers well enough to know if they really deserve to stay.

What do you think? Do you like the new rule? -- Jacki Garfinkel

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-Photo by Fox-
Well, this is funny. Ryan Seacrest, host of American Idol, has announced via Twitter that the Idol phone numbers are having some issues.

Ryan twittered, "Crap, we're gonna have a problem on Idol tonight - just dialed 1-866-IDOLS-13 and it's not quite SFW."

For those of you not up to speed with the lingo, SFW means safe for work. Aka, if you dial the number, you'll hear something very dirty on the other end.

A few minutes later, Ryan twittered again, "Oh man... 1-866-IDOLS-00 is dirty too, lol. Just talked to one of the Idol producers and they have a plan... *crossing fingers* - ryan."

Can't wait to see what happens! Let's hope they get this worked out by tonight or there are going to be some very confused kids out there... and some contestants without votes. -- Jacki Garfinkel

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So this is it. By the end of tonight we'll know the Top 12. But first, eight contestants -- Tatiana's eyes locked on the camera like a hawk staring at a rabbit -- will sing, for no reason at all. While Ryan does his very dramatic intro, Simon makes fun of him off-camera, so part of his big "this is American Idol" speech is a very dramatic and awesome, "Simon. Be quiet." Then he says it's good to be with us again. He's wearing a really well-cut, angular three-piece with jeans and no tie; that one guy is wearing an ugly cardigan, Paula's dressed like a Bratz doll with pink leopard and a bright pink scarf, and Simon's wearing a lovely baby blue sweater. That guy we used to acknowledge boos when they say Simon's name but he is too stupid to have a reason why.

And here they are: Jesse looking lovely and normal, Matt G dressed like Marlene Deitrich for some reason, Megan all kinds of tarted up, Von looking and being completely fantastic as always but with a little more gayface than usual, Jasmine wearing a lovely evening gown even though it's like barely the cocktail hour, Ricky Braddy being spazzy as ever, Tatiana looking like the opening credits of a telenovela called Tatiana La Loca, and then Anoop, still bemused as to why he's here.

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Ryan's rocking the black suit/black necktie look tonight, and moving things right along, so I'm sure something crazy is scheduled. Paula looks pretty and slightly nuts in a flowy one-shouldered blue gown, while in the risers Nathaniel looks like he's got a concussion. We revisit the Top 12ers to date, and then remember how blind Scott is, and the terrible clothing and hair choices of Nate. I guess the lack of image consultation notes they've given him mean something horrible, like there's just no hope for him anyway. I suppose that's a kindness, but maybe it's more of a walk-before-you-run deal. I'm looking forward to tonight because it means -- barring Wild Card, which I used to have a handle on and now find completely confusing -- no more Kristen ever.

First up we're going to group sing -- mostly seated, because of the Scott factor -- a Katy Perry song, "Hot & Cold," which is the third Katy Perry single that has to do with boys and girls and boys who like girls who do boys like they're girls and reinforcing gender stereotypes while congratulating itself on not doing that. Let's talk about Katy Perry for a second. I heard this cover of "Electric Feel" actually that she did, and it was totally lovely. She has a wonderful voice under all that bullshit, which makes me hate her more and not less. It's not even the horrific Diablo Cody/Betty Page cute/burlesque crap, although they do contribute to the overall '90s-ness of her, which is admittedly yucky.

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Ryan asks Simon why he doesn't just pick the songs themselves, since Simon "always" bitches about song choice -- which isn't true, that's usually Paula or Randy since they have usually no thoughts in their heads -- and Simon says maybe he will, and they can have Simon Cowell Week on American Idol. But please: just like when you asked your parents why there's Mother's Day and Father's Day but no Children's Day and they said everyday is Children's Day, that is why there will never be Simon Cowell Week on this show. Although four hours of this crap is sort of like the same thing.

It's not just me, is it? The girls are really hard to tell apart this year? So Von Smith still looks like a child from a Molly Ringwald movie, Taylor is wearing the delightful sack dress/shiny pants combo that can't help but make you sick to look at, Alex is here to help you with your geometry proofs, Arianna has not one breast but two, Ju'Not is smarmy and looks like the uncle on a sitcom, Kristen is one Five Hour Energy drink away from beating her family members up on Springer if that show's even still on, Nathaniel is a little piece of hell right here on earth, Felicia has some hips and a shiny shirt to show them off. This is where I will crack, I can feel it: right here at around the 90-minute mark, right before Scott, who holds hands with dudes like some kind of homo, Kendall who has an herbal garden centerpiece attached to herself, Jorge's face still pissing me off, and Lil Rounds who will be singing last because that's how it was written over two hundred years ago in the Book of Duh.

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"What have you done?" Ryan asks America, and for once it's presumably something good. I say the M/F are Adam/Allison, although I'm flummoxed as to who the N might be. Those are the only ones I really remember. I was intrigued by Megan, and by the thought that maybe Adam and Von Smith are not a pair, but in fact Adam and Normund are the pair, and that's why they're here together. Paula's beehive is fading somewhat, and Kara's back in her requisite "night look" attire: a thousand necklaces and an off-the-shoulder top.
,br> Simon gets nervous when Ryan compliments his new fake tan, and we're treated to another meaningless stream of things we've already seen: Matt B welding, Kai's hair and mom, Nick acting like a douchebag, that one girl's insane puppet face, Matt G's belief, as a "big destiny person," whatever the eff that means, that he belongs here. Move along, move along. Let's get these all-American rejects going.

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Where else can you find a welder, a bartender, a font designer and a comedian?" (Um, AA? The Manhole? I give.) "...All on the verge of stardom?" Ah. This must be American Idol. He tells us about Alexis, Sarver and Gokey, and they clap for themselves; he tells us about the judges and they clap for themselves. Paula looks like she's wearing a Russ Meyer wig. It's nice. Simon winks and Ryan, and Randy talks nonsense as usual; Kara smugly explains that there are no second chances, and song choice is important. Paula agrees with that ever-so-fresh suggestion, and Ryan needles Simon about needing flattering lighting. Simon says he has no advice for the herd this week, because it's too late to worry about it, because they're about to sing. Randy says something dumb and Ryan's like, "Totally, Randy."

Here they are: Jasmine in a Pink Lady jacket, Dueling Piano Matt with dueling piano airguns, Jeanine whom I don't recognize, "Nick" making creepy Phantom Of The Paradise moves at the camera, Allison with the red hair, Kris that cute guy we never saw, Megan "Joy" Corkrey wearing a pregnancy dress with white fuzzy dice, Bear Porn Matt, Jesse Langseth looking like she's coming for Bella Swan at the Prom, Kai's horrible Snoopy-Ears hair, the suddenly frightening Mishavonna, and the always frightening Adam Lambert with a fake tan and thirty necklaces working it like they're storming Kiamo Ko and the rent is due.

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A little while ago, Ms. Paula had commented that she didn't like the idea of four judges. (And really, why would she? She has so much less camera time!)

Well, apparently newbie Kara didn't like that criticism. So, in true celeb fashion, she fired back, releasing this statement to Access Hollywood:

"Paula has a right to her opinions, but I was disappointed by her comments, and hurt that she did not address them to me in person."

Of course, Kara added that she's excited for the rest of the season. How could she be? Now there's going to be drama between the two judges... and they have to sit next to each other. Awkward!

What do you think? Should Kara have kept her mouth shut? Should Paula have not opened the can of worms in the first place? Should Idol get rid of Kara next season? Vote in the poll and sound off in the comments section! -- Jacki Garfinkel


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Ryan's wearing a suit jacket and jeans, Randy is wearing a nice argyle cardigan and booing Simon with his usual lack of class, Simon is wearing what you think he's wearing, Kara's looking hot in a silver lamé cougar top under a velvet crop-sleeved blazer, and Paula is dressed like ... a Playboy Bunny. About last night, Randy says his usual lack of anything; Kara points out that Stevie, Casey and Stephen sucked last night. Randy mentions "Simon" a thousand times and Paula and Kara gamely agree, and then Ryan says he's talking about the show itself, not Simon's extracurricular sucking.

Simon loves it, Randy's scandalized, Kara can't believe it because she doesn't know how this goes every Wednesday; Paula demonstrates a limited awareness of what's going on around her like always. Simon says that Kara was fantastic last night, and even better at dinner afterwards. Thank God we've raised the bar. There's a long, bewildering montage of old footage of the twelve victims tonight notable only for how obnoxious Jackie Tohn seems to be most of the live long day.

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We're live, for some reason. Ryan seems to think it's a big deal, even though his vamps tend to get wobbly when we're live for too long a stretch (as we shall see). He also seems to think that, given Kara's presence, the judges' table is starting to resemble The View, which brings to mind nothing so much as the ass-horrible concept of Elisabeth Hasselbeck and Randy Jackson having a conversation. Can you imagine? That's like your ears' version of Hellraiser. "Yo well I don't think so much as dawg it was a'ight." "I don't how you can say that because marriage and thing." "That's pitchy for me I don't know just sharp in places you know just." "I just think God and babies, also my sweater."

And honestly, having seen the whole thing at this point, damn. I think I would actually rather watch that. What a listless, pointless, meaningless, toothless, feckless, d*ckless, thoughtless, unprofessional piece of crap this episode is. From the production -- two hours of bumped cameras, f*cked mics, random Spaghetti Cat phantom stills, Randy Jackson attempting to both think and speak in full sentences for the first time in his goddamn life, and spazzy contestants stepping all over my Ryan's lines with weird double entendres, it was pretty much like being on the receiving end of a two-hour visit from Alex and the Droogs. And not in the fun way.

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Over 103,000 people: now we're down to 72. Today we're getting solo performances with a band and singers, and an instrument if they like. And the judges don't say anything, just look at you, but deep inside you know. Then they put them all in those rooms and dick them around a bit, and then tomorrow comes the Chair to kick off the last 18 kids, I think, and that's Top 36. Then it's three weeks of Boy/Girl/Whatever You Got, and then three Wild Cards on the last Thursday; so this means that Top 12 actually starts March 10. Or something.

First up: Adam Lambert, whom Kara found to be too musical theatre still. Paula agreed, but then disagreed with herself. Simon didn't seem to like him that much, but he's clearly talented and can make money. Ryan blanches when he says he's chosen to sing "Believe" by Cher; he assures us it won't be horrible, and then it sort of is. Of course, it's horrible in the most fascinating way, like one of those sad slow piano covers everybody must do from time to time, and I can't say I didn't ask for these kinds of mash-up outside-the-box ideas. It's a little cooler in concept than it could ever be in execution, which seems to be Adam's specialty. Good thing his voice is Broadway-trained, even if it's a bit sharp throughout. Also, it is a good thing that he is a lady.

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Group night! The night for which we wait all year: tears, triumphs, and tragedies! Cursing and cuties! Foolishness and freaking out! Sabotage and the supercilious! Exhaustion and emotional volatility! People thinking they know best even though they don't!

9 PM, Kodak Theatre. 107 sleepy kids, including Rose and Nathaniel and a bunch of other people, forty contestants lighter than when Hollywood started. We're not even getting started on this until 9? I hope they starved them and made them run laps around the theatre too, so they can get started going nuts even earlier than usual.

They show all the people getting into groups, and just like every year it's shaking granola: all the people of the right qualities find each other. The big granola at the top is like: Awful Emily, the Osmond, blind guy, Von, Castro, those two blonde guys with six names between them. Then there's the unpolished granola like Rose, or this cute southern guy who can't find a group. Then there's the troubled granola like Nathaniel and Tatiana.

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