Can you believe that we're already at the Big Finale? That mere minutes from now we will anoint a newly minted most Talented American? It's been a long long journey, so before we get to the Momentous Moment, let's play "Remember When." Remember the five weeks of auditions that samba'd across this nation with all the grace of Cloris Leachman? Remember the quaint intros to each city? Dallas in Dallas? Peachy goodness in Atlanta? Big Apple kookiness in New York? Remember the judges? Piers, Sharon, and our resident American, David Hasselhoff? Remember when Piers told The Hoff he hated his stinking floor-cheeseburger-eating guts and then pantsed Sharon? Okay that didn't happen, but it could have! That's how wacky this season has been! There was the bus-stop dancer Ronnie B. There was the human piñata George. There was little, tiny Kaitlyn and Busty Heart. There were the Zooperstars! There were 492 (more or less) sob stories, 318 cloggers, 286 magicians, 142 singer-songwriters, 96 singer dancers, 48 variety acts, 18 impersonators, nine barnyard sound-makers, two yellow-clad married duet singers and one winner, adding up to about a million hours of fun. Yet here we are. At the end. The deal is done. The winner is already selected. Who will be winning that $1 million prize and the Vegas show? We'll get to that in a minute. But first we have one more hurdle to get through. One last pernicious obstacle to face together. That's right little Kaitlyn is scheduled to perform. Somebody hold me.

Live from Los Angeles (with portions pre-recorded) it's America's Got Talent! Jerry steps out on stage looking unusually dapper in a non-bow tie tuxedo. He promises special guests, extraordinary live acts, and a winner in what he swears was the closest vote ever. He ushers the five finalists on to the stage: Nuttin' but Stringz, Donald Braswell, Neal E. Boyd, Eli Mattson and Queen Emily. I think they're all wearing the same outfits that they wore during the final performances last week. It confuses me. Isn't this supposed to be live? Was it live last week and now it's recorded? Why are they wearing the same clothes? Jerry asks The Hoff if he sees a clear-cut winner standing onstage. The Hoff plays it cool and gives everyone a gold star, a pat on the ass and a cupcake. Jerry introduces a special number where the Top 10 Finalists all perform together. Obviously, it's a train wreck.

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Live from Los Angeles (with portions pre-recorded) it's America's Got Talent! As you are well aware, our Final Five are performing tonight. Who are the finalists? Who cares? We're being preempted by President George Bush speaking about the multi billion-dollar bail-out. George is wearing a serious black suit, serious red tie, serious crisp white shirt, and very serious flag pin. He is staring straight at the camera, out of the television, and into my soul. It's a little freaky. And the words he's reading so gracefully off the teleprompter are not helping ease my mind. In closing, however, Democratic capitalism is the best system ever devised. Wow. Suck that Russia! As the President ends his speech, Brian Williams comes on to remind us that this is the worst financial disaster in more than an entire generation. But, on the brighter side... Live from Los Angeles (with portions pre-recorded) it's America's Got Talent!

Did they hold the start of the show for the President's Address? Darn it, they did. Jerry explains it all: The President spoke, so the show will be shorter. I'll type fast. Five acts, one winner, we decide. Jerry rapidly introduces a fast-forwarded montage of what winning would mean to the Final Five. Queen Emily is so excited. Donald Braswell is so close. Nuttin' But Stringz have come from playing in the subways to possibly playing Vegas. Eli Mattson was lost, but now he's found (and so was his hat). Neal E. Boyd came from nothing, and now he's here! So much emotion! But enough of this emotion, we have some acts to watch!

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I am completely exhausted tonight. I spent all day walking around the city (seriously, all day) and then cooked dinner, and I am now collapsed on the couch awaiting the start of this fair show of ours. I am completely exhausted and I am worried. I am worried that this lineup of Top Ten performers will not be enough to keep me awake for two solid hours. There are just so many singers to get through. And this isn't American Idol, where you can expect the star-spangled pop numbers to keep you going. No, this is going to be a lot of ballads. And, contrary to popular opinion, I am not a crochety 87-year-old. I'm a crotchety 30-year-old, and I don't really like ballads. I like Nuttin' But Stringz. But even their fiery fiddlin' will be hard to sit through when sandwiched between two hours of chanteusing, tears, and whateverthefuck Kaitlyn does. Maybe I should make some coffee.

Live from Los Angeles (with portions pre-recorded) it's America's Got Talent! Oh hold that. It's Jerry sitting in the control room. Actually, on the control panel. He reminds us that there are ten finalists, one winner, and one great nation choosing that winner. I guess the segment is live, because as they cut away we hear someone shout, "Roll tape!" Said tape introduces our Top Ten. There is Paul Salos (Fake Frank) looking really Florida in a heavily-patterned shirt and George Hamilton tan. Kaitlyn claims to really want to make it to the finals. Donald Braswell knows America holds his future in their hands. Jessica Price can just feel Vegas. Joseph Hall wants to be Elvis. Neal E. Boyd manages not to cry. The Wright Kids are cute. Queen Emily also manages not to cry. Nuttin' But Stringz hangs tough. Eli Mattson still has his hat on. There are a lot of gratuitous shots of people singing into microphones. It's like geriatric American Idol. It's going to be a long night.

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Live from Los Angeles (with portions pre-recorded) it's America's Got Talent!. It's Top 20 week here in Los Angeles. Jerry introduces the judges. It's still just Piers, Sharon and The Hoff. Unlike American Idol, the producers have not asked Rhea Perlman or Lindsay Lohan or some other attractive but inane judge to join the panel. Not yet, anyway. We'll have to see how the cookie crumbles once the final numbers are in. I mean, this show is dying to be American Idol.

Piers takes a moment out of his usual captivating rundown of what the competitors need to do to impress the judges to out Jerry as a newly-minted grandfather. Aw, shucks. Maybe Jerry can judge Kaitlyn more objectively now that he has an actual fully-fledged grandchild to dote on. Sharon wants the acts to know that it's not enough of a talent to sing and dance simultaneously. But, Sharon, that's hard! The Hoff claims that the title is "Best New Act in America." He wants to know who can sustain in Las Vegas and who can bring it. Um, does he really think Kaitlyn can sustain a show in Vegas? I know I'm picking on her, but I spent all week hanging out with my four-year old niece and I am even more convinced that Kaitlyn is merely a confident four-year old with a stage mom more than an untapped great talent. Okay, off the soapbox. For now.

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Welcome back to America's Got Talent, the show with the longest running audition season of any other reality show on television, now or ever! Obviously, six weeks of auditions criss-crossing the country is not enough, not when there are this many talented Americans simply dying to have their shot at a million dollars and a Vegas dream. This show aims to personally ensure that every single American with even the vaguest soupçon of talent or the whiff of talent upon them or, heck, if they once stood in the same room while someone who has talent farted, this show wants to make sure they have the chance to perform in front of our esteemed judges and their (less esteemed) producers and (not even close to esteemed) interns. Sure, it's a lot of auditions, but this is America. And hasn't it been worth it? We found that singer. And that other singer. And that other singer. And the man who is not Terry Fator. And Bendy Barbie. And Fake Elvis. Totally worth it, right? Right? This show has had so many auditions that they ran out of auditions and had to make up some more in order to have more audition shows. This week: auditions culled from the dank reaches of MySpace. Send thank-you cards to Rupert Murdoch.

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As America's Got Talent starts this week Jerry Springer's voice lets us know that we are watching the Number One Most Popular Show in America. I thought it was the second most popular, but mere facts should not get in the way of a potential voiceover opportunity! 55 million people watched this show last week. 55 million people. Holy hockey, that is the entire population of France. Can you imagine our bereted amies dropping their vin rouge and eggs en cocotte to watch... aw crap. I can't remember who was on last week. Man, these lame auditions totally blew my punchline. Forget it.

Auditions continue. My patience? Not so much. The judges are back in New York's convention center. As I may have mentioned, the Javits Center is ridiculously far from the subway. And I thank the good Lord every time I see the crowd shot from the AGT auditions. All this criss-crossing the country and repeat visits really puts a crimp in my material. The producers remind us of the shenanigans that happened the last time the auditions were in New York. Which is helpful, because who can remember four weeks ago in this heat? As the judges are introduced, their shiny scowly visages are interlaced with clips of the Acts That Touched Them the Most (in New York.) There was Nuttin' But Stringz, the Cutest Littlest Girl in the World, the Stripping Trombone Dancer Dude, and the Ozzie Impersonator. During the intro, Jerry Springer keeps repeating that this is the last trip to New York. This is the last time the show will be here. This is the lastchance for the contestants to impress the judges here. It is all very ominous. And promising. Does this mean we might actually be nearing the end of the interminable auditions?

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I tuned in early to NBC so I wouldn't miss the start of our show and, boy, am I glad I did because Celebrity Family Feud featured the staff of The Office. And by staff I mean all the actors whose real names you don't know. Now don't get me wrong, one thing I love about that show is that the characters are so realistic (and the actors so good at being understated) that it is incredibly difficult to imagine certain actors as anyone but the character they play on TV. Luckily the writers and producers of Celebrity Family Feud know this and made the actors wear nametags with their character's name on it to avoid confusion with reality. Thanks guys! So the lesser-known players from The Office are competing against some crew of misfits billed as "Camden County." I don't know who that lot is, but they looked like the cast for the remake of The Beverly Hillbillies where Jed is a drunken lifeguard and Ma is a two-bit Mary Ann with Janis Joplin hair. As the show's producers would have it, the staff from The Office handily beat the actors? (seasonal residents? janitorial staff?) of Camden County. Oscar then won $50,000 (for his favorite charity, natch). Go Oscar! Now back to our regularly scheduled programming.

Last week 43 million people willingly lost brain cells to watch this show. 43 million. Welcome back to America's Got Talent and hello ... Atlanta? WTF?? My DVR info clearly stated that we were going to be in Las Vegas this week for callbacks. I was very excited to be done with the idiot parade that has made up the auditions thus far. I was ready for stock footage of the Las Vegas strip. I was prepared for shots of casinos and dramatic camera angles of slot machines. I was even prepared for a glimpse of either Celine Dion or Cirque du Soleil. I was ready. I even had half a bottle of Trader Joe's finest three-dollar wine (chilled even!). I was prepared. I was not prepared for more Atlanta auditions. Unless they are bringing back Busty Heart. Then I am prepared. Did y'all see this ? It's amazing! And totally NSFW. As if Busty Heart is ever safe for work.

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Last night, America's Got Talent host Jerry Springer announced this season's champion. And the winner is... Terry Fator!! For those of you who -- like me -- weren't hooked on the reality show all season (oh c'mon, there are SO many to keep up with), here's what you need to know. This Terry guy is amazing! He is -- get this -- a ventriloquist. No joke. And he rocks. Whoever said ventriloquism is a dying art is dead wrong -- just ask Dave Letterman.

Even if you've never seen America's Got Talent, you must check out this clip of his final act. Seriously, the guy's lips never move once, and his puppet is singing!

Watch the video>>

Way to go, Terry and puppet! I might just have to plan a trip to Las Vegas to see them on tour.

Anyone else think that's impressive? Fess up below.

It's official. Bye bye Brandy.

NBC anncouned yesterday that Sharon Osbourne will replace Brandy as a judge on its hit talent show, America's Got Talent.

Sharon will join David Hasselhoff and Piers Morgan to judge the second season of last summer's break out hit reality show.

"Sharon Osbourne is show business personified and she has seen and done it all," said Craig Plestis of NBC Entertainment. "She will make an excellent fit with David and Piers, who we're delighted to have back for another great season."

Earlier this year, Jerry Springer was announced as the new host, replacing Regis Philbin who stepped down to deal with serious health issues.

I'll admit it, I'm a Sharon fan. She's rude, she's abrasive and she's real. I also hope she calls David Hasselhoff out on always being drunk. You know what, this is a really awesome move on NBC's part. I might actually watch this show.

TMZ is reporting that singer Brandy has been booted off the judging panel for NBC's summer talent show America's Got Talent. She'll reportedly be replaced by Sharon Osbourne.

Man, Brandy is having a really bad run of luck. Last December she was involved in a fatal car accident and now this. I think she's adorable, but I think Sharon will stir up more trouble than Brandy from a straight ratings perspective.

Actually it doesn't matter who is on the judging panel, as long as David "The Hoff" Hasselhoff is all drunk and messed up I'm tuning in. He's literally the Paula Abdul of that show.