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How many licks does it take to get to the end of L.A. Candy? Or should we say hair flips? The Hills star's first novel follows the convertible BMW ride of Jane Roberts—from innocent California girl to reality show star. After moving to Los Angeles for a prestigious internship, the blond-haired, blue-eyed Jane lands herself a TV gig, along with her jaded BFF Scarlett Harp. Sound familiar?
It's impossible not to compare Jane's rise to fame (and her new circle of friends and frenemies) with Lauren Conrad's. Is scheming bleach-blonde Madison really Heidi in disguise? Could skeptical U.S.C. student Scarlett be Lauren's BFF Lo? And Brody (a k a Jesse Edwards) appears to get the unfortunate, but appropriate title of "celebuspawn" in this story. Then there's Jane's crush Braden, a struggling actor who refuses to sign a release to appear on L.A. Candy, the name of the reality show. Hmm, wonder who Lauren's off-air boyfriend was?
This made-for-the-beach novel oozes with Mean Girls-esque backstabbing, brand name labels and celebrity run-ins, much like an episode of The Hills (minus the aerial shots of L.A.). You can almost feel those infamous blank stares and reaction shots after each chapter. Trying not to bite the hand that feeds her, Lauren also gives us glimpses of MTV's (um, PopTV's) manipulative editing ways. But are we really supposed to pity the author, who has parlayed her television stint into a mini empire of clothing lines, makeup contracts and book deals? Maybe that'll happen in season two... I mean volume two. Stay tuned.
—Michele Laufik
Previously: After five seasons, the girls finally lived out their latent Sex and the City fantasy. Audrina was totally Samantha. That whore. Heidi was Susan Sharon, with her abusive Svengali husband Spencer being a demon hybrid of Stanford and Anthony. Somehow Lauren got over the sex tape rumors and "beef curtains" chants to forgive Heidi...ish. Along the way, there were single black eyeliner tears, "jobs," and lots of house parties, with one last féte to come...Double L Ranch. Lauren is packing up-slash-procrastinating. Lo suggests one last house party, and they reminisce about their first-ever house party. Here's what Audrina's friends brought to the mix: nudie men, mohawks and lucite heels. In short, a classy bunch. Lo barrels over those evocative images like someone who has disconnected her emotions from the scars once connected to them, then continues with this ploy to gather all the gang together for one last drama festival. Suck it out of them, producers, suck it out of them! Lo asks Lauren what's next. Lauren claims she doesn't know. Her Twitter begs to differ. Credits.
The music folks continue to curry my favor by including nearly every possible song from the Kelly Clarkson album. We join the action at the Speidi Web as Heidi tells Steph she wants "the most extravagant wedding ever!" Oh, Jesus, she wants swans. Steph is down with the ornate notions until Heidi says she wants a white chocolate mousse truffle cake with vanilla and berries. This is too much information, and I think I actually see smoke rising from StephBot's weave. It only worsens when she asks the leading question: "Who's your Maid of Honor?" Newsflash, ShePratt: If she hasn't asked, it ain't you. ShePratt actually starts semi-crying when Heidi picks her own sister(!) to be her Maid of Honor. Are you kidding me?
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Previously: ShePratt sucks at life, but, more specifically, at work. And Lauren is going to have to fall on the sword because of it. The producers perpetuated the farce of Audrina-Justin Bobby. Two. Years. Later. Speidi carried on their shenanigans as usual, with visits from various characters in the parade of insanity that is their "life." Oh! And here comes a new one...Speidi Web. Heidi warns Spencer that her real dad is coming to town. And he's bringing his guns. Hope they're loaded! She further warns him that biodad is less than pleased about that whole Mexican wedding fiasco. As a tried-and-true Colorado cowboy, he insists that all Heidi's suitors mosey around the spittoon with him and demonstrate their bison-killin' skills before he can rightly approve. Spencer asks for some pointers, and Heidi tells him to be nice. Oh dear, if that's the first and only thing you think of, you've already got problems. She adds that Spencer has never met a dad like hers, then quickly flees the scene, saying, "Just... think about that." Spencer snarks that he can't wait to meet Heidi's dad. Credits.
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Previously: Lauren took a professional gamble on ShePratt, using her own credibility as ante. That's what we in the high rollers' circle call a "no-win." Spencer gambled that Heidi wouldn't find out about his fake flirtation with Bartender Stacie, whom I call BS because creating it is her sole function. Adam DiVello gambled that audiences would find an Audrina-Brody hook up interesting. We all lost. The ultimate loser, however, is Justin Bobby -- for reasons unrelated to Brodrina...
Audrina continues to wear that stupid hat as she meets for dinner with Lauren and Lo. They gab about Lo's exciting new job with Smashbox cosmetics. Lo looks forward to "all the boys" that will be stopping by her company. You mean all the gays? You do realize you work in makeup, right? No matter, because it's clearly just a ham-fisted segue for Lauren to ask Audrina about JB. Audrina says he found out about Hawaii and all of its non-hooking up with Brody. She says he has been calling and texting her like mad. On the upside, she doesn't seem to care. This is progress. Just for kicks, she throws in, "I mean, why would I be faithful to him?" Credits.
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Audrina continues to wear that stupid hat as she meets for dinner with Lauren and Lo. They gab about Lo's exciting new job with Smashbox cosmetics. Lo looks forward to "all the boys" that will be stopping by her company. You mean all the gays? You do realize you work in makeup, right? No matter, because it's clearly just a ham-fisted segue for Lauren to ask Audrina about JB. Audrina says he found out about Hawaii and all of its non-hooking up with Brody. She says he has been calling and texting her like mad. On the upside, she doesn't seem to care. This is progress. Just for kicks, she throws in, "I mean, why would I be faithful to him?" Credits.
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Previously: Spencer checked into some sort of "weird stripper hotel." JB looked like he was also a frequent visitor to said hotel. Audrina was the hotel. And there will be fuzzy-tailed Hell to pay...Lauren and Audrina shop and discuss one of the million barbecues that Frankie and Brody continually plan. Lauren tells Audrina that Brody came clean to The Bunny about his Hawaiian "Hey I wanna lei ya" Hawaiian encounter with Audrina. Lauren warns her that Brody and The Bunny will be there and that TB is pretty miffed with her, for obvious reasons that even Audrina can recognize. Audrina decides to get up on her high horse and say that Brody fights with The Bunny way more than she did with JB. That's really got to hurt. No one is worse than Audrina and JB. She keeps on this roll, claiming she was totally innocent, because "it didn't seem like anything bad or wrong at the time." Yeah, that's the cheater's excuse heard 'round the world. Lauren deadpans, "Yeah, it's not fun when vacation baggage follows you home." Audrina stares at her blankly, not realizing that she is the leathery, leathery baggage in this scenario. Ha! Credits.
Is this one of Heidi's songs? No, can't be. The singer can actually carry a tune... ish. Speaking of the tuneless wonder, she and everyone's least favorite co-worker Kim walk around town. Heidi reports that she found a text message from Bartender Stacie on Spencer's phone. She invited him back to H. Wood, the club where they had their last altercation. Meanwhile, I should have brought this up before, but she's obviously not a real bartender if she's available to go out to other bars on any given night. Heidi feels betrayed because they have literally spent hundreds of dollars trying to get rid of that skank, mentally at least, in therapy. Heidi comes up with a sneaky plan to show up at da club to see if Spencer shows up to meet BS. Hopefully she'll wear a spy mission beret like Blair! Kim, of course, enables her. Heidi warns, that, if BS shows her manky face, "things are goin' down." Ooooh, I like Ghetto Barbie Heidi!
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Previously: The Jackcheese stood alone. Spencer continued being assy enough to ensure that some time in the future, he, too, will stand alone. Audrina continued to drag out her shiteous relationship with Justin Bobby, then randomly took a detour on "Brody's Dreeeeeamy" Lane. I think she got lost somewhere past "My Boyfriend Wears Overalls" Avenue. Audrina admitted that she kind of has a (fake) thing for Brody, and then conveniently suggested that the girls should crash a boys' vacation planned by Brody and his bromancers. Cue dubbed-over foreshadowing -- "You're so gonna hook up with Brody" -- and pre-taped dubious facial expression from Lauren. And so the contrivances begin.We join the girls as they step bravely onto Hawaiian soil, giggling about their decision to surprise the boys. Steph sows seeds of conflict, saying how the boys are going to be mad at them for showing up uninvited. Meanwhile, the guys comment on how happy and relaxed they are. Gee, I wonder what's missing. Oh, there it is! The girls. They sneak up on the guys. (How did they even know where they were?) Brody eyes them suspiciously as he drinks a Coronita. Manly! They quibble over whether the guys (mainly Brody) are upset or merely surprised. Frankie cuts through the pre-dramz and gets down to business -- SHOTS! Brody decides this is an acceptable course of action. Thus begins the vacation. Credits.
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Previously: Lots of missteps, including Lauren sticking her neck out professionally for ShePratt, Audrina sticking her cooch out for Justin Bobby, and Heidi admitting she knows Spencer, at all.
Big Wangs -- the girls' "going out when we don't feel like going out" bar. I have one of those, too. It's called my couch. Drinks are really cheap and come with a pint of Ben & Jerry's. Lauren and Audrina reminisce about fun times they've had there and scope out cute boys, which I'm sure is really easy to do when you've got a frickin' film-quality camera crew shooting you from all angles. Audrina says she's been staying away from boys since the whole Justin spit-covered ring debacle. Audrina worries that she is a serial monogamist, always going from one relationship to the next. I wonder what her definition of "relationship" is, because JB was just an extended mind-(and other things)-fuck, and it hasn't seemed like any of the other grunge freaks she's dated on the show have lasted more than a couple of dates. Lauren encourages her to date around, and Audrina jokes that if Lauren sees anyone that's her type (dirty? mentally insufficient? insufferable? attracted to vapidity?) to send him her way. Credits.
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Big Wangs -- the girls' "going out when we don't feel like going out" bar. I have one of those, too. It's called my couch. Drinks are really cheap and come with a pint of Ben & Jerry's. Lauren and Audrina reminisce about fun times they've had there and scope out cute boys, which I'm sure is really easy to do when you've got a frickin' film-quality camera crew shooting you from all angles. Audrina says she's been staying away from boys since the whole Justin spit-covered ring debacle. Audrina worries that she is a serial monogamist, always going from one relationship to the next. I wonder what her definition of "relationship" is, because JB was just an extended mind-(and other things)-fuck, and it hasn't seemed like any of the other grunge freaks she's dated on the show have lasted more than a couple of dates. Lauren encourages her to date around, and Audrina jokes that if Lauren sees anyone that's her type (dirty? mentally insufficient? insufferable? attracted to vapidity?) to send him her way. Credits.
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Stephanie and some idiotic hat walk into the Speidi Web. Even Spencer mocks the cap. Does that lower me somehow? Steph stirs up shit by telling Spencer about Heidi seeing her old boyfriend. Spencer immediately sees through the ruse, yet remains miffed by it. Weak. Steph stirs up some more shit by asking if Spencer's still jeepin' with the (paid) other woman. He tells her it's none of her business and then is all, "Yeah, but I'll go do that now." Idiots! Steph tells him to be on his best behavior. Credits.
People's Rev. Lauren reports up to Kelly "HBIC" Cutrone's office. Kelly compliments her shirt, and there are about eight seconds of residual awkwardness. I suspect getting complimented by Kelly is like feeling a cool breeze kiss your neck right before someone punches it. You keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. So Kelly tells Lauren they need to fix the Whit-less situation by hiring another intern. A whole gaggle of interns does not a full-time employee replace, but that's a professional philosophy that Ms. Cutrone and I obviously don't share. She asks if Lauren knows anyone at FIDM. Lauren's like, "Yeah, everyone I know... which is Stephanie Pratt." Kelly ominously warns Lauren to be careful with her referrals, especially if she plans to vouch for a friend. Ooooh! Story arc foreshadowing. Loving it.
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The next day Spencer brings his rope, tar and feathers to Stephanie's apartment and proceeds to upbraid her for taking Heidi to Lauren's party, then tattling on him without checking that he's not actually a sleaze ball. Isn't that, like, a commonly held truth? Like gravity and how onions make you cry? Spencer makes this another test of loyalty that Steph has failed. She calls him out for taking his crackpot notions to the nth degree and, in doing so, fucking up his own life. He tells her not to talk to Heidi. She tells him to get a life. He's all, "Nah-nee-nah!" And she's all, "Blah-dee-blah!" And this conversation, like all Pratt confrontations, ends with no forward movement, nothing resolved. Credits.Double L Ranch. It's just like old times! Except Audrina's actually happy to be there! Lo asks how Lauren liked her party. Lauren coyly admits she enjoyed being the center of attention (what's new?) but says the whole boat thing kind of backfired. They chip in their individual ideas as to how Heidi ended up crashing the party (Stephanie!). Lauren remains baffled as to how Heidi and she got trapped on a boat together. Lo and Audrina refuse to take any responsibility, as they shouldn't. Blame Adam DiVello, girls!
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Last season: Spencer made an old(er) lady cry but kind of(?) redeemed himself by not marrying Heidi... legally, at least. Heidi slinked back into Lauren's life. Now it's Lauren's birthday, and Heidi will provide the biggest surprise of all. Please let it be popping out of a cake, please let it be popping out of cake...Heidi meets Stephanie. Stephanie babbles about school starting again, and Heidi remembers that Lauren's birthday is approaching. They talk about Lauren's upcoming surprise birthday party on a yacht. Stephanie outright asks if Heidi wants to go, almost invitation-like (keep this in mind for later...). Heidi reasons that, since she and Lauren have been in closer contact lately (read: doing Hills-related photo shoots and not flagrantly shit-talking each other), it's weird that no one invited her. Seriously, Heidi? Stephanie convinces her it will be fine -- "100%" -- if she tags along. Oh, treachery, thy name is Pratt! Credits.
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Ever since Lauren Conrad said that the upcoming season of The Hills will be her last, have you been wondering what will happen to the rest of the show's stars?
If so, here's a bit of news: Though Audrina Patridge will be leaving the show as well, she isn't straying from reality television. In fact, Audrina just inked a deal with Mark Burnett Productions. You know, the company behind The Apprentice and Survivor.
Don't worry, we won't have to endure a show of Audrina having to live on a secluded island. Actually that might end up being more fun than what's planned. Apparently the series will follow her "personal and professional life." Um, is that really that interesting? I really don't feel like watching Audrina and Justin Bobby for a half hour each week.
As for the future of The Hills? Well, that's still up in the air. An MTV spokesperson won't confirm a sixth season. But, with Whitney, Lauren and Audrina all gone, we'll be left with Lo, Spencer and Heidi. I highly doubt Lo could carry her own show, and I'm cringing at the idea of a Speidi show, though I have a feeling that could be the next spin-off.
What do you think? Will you watch an Audrina-only show? What should happen to The Hills? -- Jacki Garfinkel
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If so, here's a bit of news: Though Audrina Patridge will be leaving the show as well, she isn't straying from reality television. In fact, Audrina just inked a deal with Mark Burnett Productions. You know, the company behind The Apprentice and Survivor.
Don't worry, we won't have to endure a show of Audrina having to live on a secluded island. Actually that might end up being more fun than what's planned. Apparently the series will follow her "personal and professional life." Um, is that really that interesting? I really don't feel like watching Audrina and Justin Bobby for a half hour each week.
As for the future of The Hills? Well, that's still up in the air. An MTV spokesperson won't confirm a sixth season. But, with Whitney, Lauren and Audrina all gone, we'll be left with Lo, Spencer and Heidi. I highly doubt Lo could carry her own show, and I'm cringing at the idea of a Speidi show, though I have a feeling that could be the next spin-off.
What do you think? Will you watch an Audrina-only show? What should happen to The Hills? -- Jacki Garfinkel
Follow Jacki on Twitter!
Previously, Whitney interviewed for a new job with DVF (you know, Diane Von Furstenberg -- what are you, new?) and prepared to move to New York. Everyone told Heidi that Spencer sucked, but she didn't care because they have a contract.Mexico. Heidi and Spencer arrive at a resort. Spencer complains about how hot it is, even though he's wearing a hoodie. They sit down in their bungalow or whatever, and Spencer gives her a little speech about how their relationship is always better when it's just the two of them without people who care about Heidi trying to get her to see what a douche he is. Spencer promises even more surprises ahead. What ever could he mean? I can't even imagine. This show is kind of ruined by the tabloids. And the episode title, which is "Mr. and Mrs. Pratt."
People's Revolution. Whitney gets a call from Alixe and mouths to Lauren that she got the DVF job. They squeal and go "dude" and whatnot. Lauren thinks that Whitney will have the perfect job and the perfect boyfriend. Whitney insists that she's going for the job, and she'll just see how the boy thing works out. She also thinks her parents are going to freak out about her moving so far away. They decide to celebrate.
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Previously, Audrina accused Lauren of hooking up with JB, but then shortly all was forgiven and they were besties again. Stephanie set feminism back a hundred years by getting mad when her boyfriend wouldn't beat up Brody to defend her honor. Whitney started the process of setting up her spin-off.People's Revolution. Kelly Crow-trone calls Whitney up to her office to set up the spin-off. She explains that Diane Von Furstenberg is looking for someone to do in-house PR, like Whitney's remotely qualified for that. So Kelly Crow-trone went ahead and set up an interview for Whitney in New York, without asking her if she was interested or if she wants to move across the country. Whitney doesn't have much to say, because she never does. Kelly Crow-trone tries to pretend like she did this out of the kindness of her heart, when you know the producers set the whole thing up and she had nothing to do with it. Kelly pushes the "once-in-a-lifetime opportunity" aspect. Whitney says it sounds amazing but scary. Kelly thinks she has a good shot at getting hired. Gee, you think? She might have a shot? This show sucks lately. Everyone always gets everything they ever wanted, and disappointments last a total of one episode. Boo.
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Previously, Spencer got mad at his sister for being "disloyal." Audrina heard from the mysterious Dino that Lauren and Justin hooked up, and it ruined her relationships with both JB and Lauren. Lauren even dropped the bomb that she thought Audrina was way worse than Heidi! DRAMZ!Lauren is putting clothes away in her room. I have never known someone who spends so much time handling clothing. Lauren is constantly packing or unpacking or folding and hanging things up. Lo walks in and they discuss why Audrina sucks so bad. Lo fans the flames by saying that Audrina seemed to value JB over Lauren in the whole debacle. She's practically screaming at Lauren to dump Audrina as a friend. And while I think she's right, I would guess that her motivations are a bit suspect. Lauren claims, "It's about the trust" and adds that she can't forgive Audrina if she's not actually sorry for the accusations.
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Previously, Heidi begged to get her fake job back and got a second chance. Holly moved in with Lauren and Lo for a while, after Heidi kicked her out. Audrina and JB were "in a good place" according to Lauren. And Audrina and Lauren were getting along fine -- that is, until Audrina heard the rumor that Spencer and/or Heidi obviously leaked to Perez Hilton. I mean, seriously. Who else on the show would leak all these rumors? And suddenly Perez has "exclusive" rights to the news that Heidi and Spencer got married in Mexico? Girl, please. Spencer is so far up Perez's ass -- actually, I don't want to finish that thought, or I might throw up.Audrina and her co-worker go out to lunch. Audrina admits that her friend Deano told her that Lauren hooked up with JB. First of all, I'd like to think that Lauren has better taste than that, but then again, she did date J-Wahl for a long time, while he was clearly on drugs. That said, Lauren has never shown anything but disdain and disgust for JB, both in person and behind his back. So Audrina called Lauren, who couldn't even fathom that Audrina would believe such a ridiculous rumor. Audrina is dumb, though, and isn't sure who to believe. She's upset that JB didn't call her about it. Her co-worker advises Audrina not to believe anything she didn't see, and Audrina starts crying. Oh, manufactured drama. I already hate this episode. I think I'm still cranky about Spencer and Heidi's stupid wedding. Although I am enjoying how little coverage it's getting everywhere except Perez and Us Magazine. I've seen like a total of 5 blog posts on it elsewhere.
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Previously, Audrina moved out to be alone, but then she also wanted JB to move in with her. JB was all, "Whatever happens, happens," which I took to mean that he was trying to figure out if he could find something better. Heidi got fired and then her ex-boss told her that Spencer is a loser. Whitney met a guy in New York. No, not that guy. A different guy. This one's named Jay and he's in a band. Holly lived with Heidi and Spencer, but then they kicked her out.Lauren and Whitney are working and gossiping. Whitney reveals that she and Jay have been talking on the phone and she hopes to go out and see him soon. Lauren says she's "so jealous" of Whitney's "fairy tale." It's a fairy tale because she met a dude in a bar? Lauren and I clearly grew up reading very different bedtime stories. And also, I'm so over this idea where young women expect their lives to be a fairy tale, and feel unsuccessful somehow when it's not, and every movie and every TV show only encourages it and it's a bunch of bullshit. Stop expecting your life to be a movie. No one's life is like that, and you're wasting a lot of time waiting around for that to happen. Love isn't about the sweeping gesture. It's about the mundane tasks that add up over time. Sorry about that. I was just going on a rant the other day about how the role models for young women today are all effed up, and how if I didn't have women like Naomi Wolf and Janeane Garofalo and Natalie Merchant to look up to as a twentysomething, I probably would have been even unhappier. Moving on.
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Previously, Heidi got fake-wasted at her fake-job and got fake-fired. Whitney met a dude when she went to New York. I'm sick of adding all the "fake" prefixes, so just add them in your mind.Whitney and Lauren are at work when the producers remember that they have to set up their spin-off, so they have Kelly Crow-trone call in and say that she needs Whitney and Lauren in New York to help run some fashion shows. Whitney confesses that Alex, the dude she met previously, has called her a few times and they've been texting, so she's excited to see him again! OMG!
People's Revolution, New York. Kelly praises the group for remembering to wear all black. The most awesome part is when Kelly starts talking and some poor woman is on the phone and Kelly totally stops her speech to tell the girl to hang up and then keeps haranguing her until she does. That reminds me of when my students are instant messaging on the computers while I'm teaching class, which is my biggest pet peeve. I have a secret desire to somehow find out their IM names and IM them while class is going on (somehow -- I haven't worked that part out yet) and say, "Hi, this is your teacher. Please at least pretend like you're paying attention. Your grade will thank you."
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Wow, the previouslies are going way back to last season, when Spencer went to Vegas and humiliated Heidi in front of her bosses. And then just last week, JB told Audrina that he wanted to be with her, whatever that means.,br> LAL House. Audrina is somehow granted access to the main house, and Lauren won't shut up about how she's going to a rock show and she wants Audrina to help her pick out an outfit. It seems weird that Lauren is totally talking about her date with Lo right in front of Audrina and not inviting her. Audrina just forges ahead with her news -- she's moving out. This weekend. Lauren is surprised. Audrina hasn't told JB about the new place yet, but she thinks he'll be there a lot. But she's not planning on anything. Except she is totally planning on him moving in. At least that's the subtext I got. Lauren, to her credit, acts happy for her friend. For once.
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Previously, Brody hated Stephanie and wasn't afraid to call her out on her bull. And he also made her cry. And then Doug dissed her while Stephanie eavesdropped. So then Stephanie hooked up with a dude named Cameron who knew Brody, which was surely just a coincidence. But she wanted Cameron to set Brody straight because she's just a girl, and thus unable to be assertive or speak her mind or whatever. Meanwhile, Audrina met a new dude but was still playing games with JB, and pretending like she didn't love it, but secretly she totally did love it, or she wouldn't still be doing it.Epic Records. Audrina's fake job. Audrina and her cubicle buddy discuss how JB knows how to push her buttons, and every time Audrina finds a new guy, JB reels her back in. Cubicle Buddy thinks Audrina is finally starting to figure things out. We'll see. The true test will be if she tells JB to f-off, won't it? Because if she's anything like her friend Lauren, she'll talk a good game but never actually do anything about it.
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As you probably know, The Hills' Whitney Port is leaving Los Angeles and Lauren Conrad behind to head to New York City.
Check out MTV's first look at the new "reality" show:
Will you watch The City?
Check out MTV's first look at the new "reality" show:
Will you watch The City?
Previously, Stephanie wanted to make things right with Spencer for no good reason. Audrina thought about bringing her new guy (Cory) to Cabo with the group, but then she found out JB was going to be there, so she seduced JB in the swimming pool to prove she's over him? Or something.Everyone boards the plane to go to Cabo. "Everyone," in this case, includes Brody, Doug, Frankie, JB, Lauren and Audrina. Frankie asks Audrina what's up with her and JB, and Audrina says that they're not together and he's planning on hooking up with other girls in Cabo. Dude, JB is sitting like two feet away. Lauren of course has to say something pseudo-philosophical about how they all should leave their emotional baggage at home, except Audrina brought hers with her. Lauren really is the next generation's Carrie Bradshaw. Also, it is revealed that Cory is on tour, so he couldn't have come to Cabo if he wanted to.
Ooh, we're back to the points of ellipses for the episode titles. I guess technically it could be to indicate that it's a portion of a quote, but I don't get why the producers are going all Grammar God on us now. The gang arrives at The Villa, their home for the next few days. Brody is excited about the waves. Audrina discovers that she has been designated to share a room with JB, so Lauren invites her to stay in her room. Not like that, ya perv. I notice that the chyron still identifies JB as Audrina's boyfriend, and since she just said that they're not together, you'd think they'd fix that.
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Lauren is working on homework, which seems to consist of cutting out pictures from magazines. Lo helps. I think that was my homework in, like, second grade. Lauren invites Lo to have drinks with Holly that night. Lo wants to know the scoop on Holly being back in town. Lauren admits that she worries a bit that Holly is trying to broker a peace between Lauren and Heidi. So what if she is? Just tell her no. Why so much drama, LC? Lo points out that "drinks are harmless." Usually, Lo. But not always.It annoys me that every episode title ends in points of ellipses, because I think it encourages people who think it's okay to end a sentence that way, instead of using them as God intended. Like, the episode titles for this show are not complete sentences, and please don't take them as such. Thank you. Also, I know that the episode titles are typically lines spoken by people on the show and thus not grammatically correct, but it still bugs me. Anyway, Audrina and her co-worker Chiara are having a snack. Audrina is psyched about her date with some dude, and admits that she kind of wants JB to be jealous. Oh, Audrina. I hate to say this, because it's such a cliché, but he's just not that into you.
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Previously, Heidi hadn't told her parents that she and Spencer were living together again. Because she didn't want her family all up in her business in relation to the guy she's planning to marry. Stephanie shadily went out with Doug while Lauren was in Italy. Yes, Lauren broke up with Doug. Still. Shady. Very Pratt-ian.Lauren and Whitney work out. Whitney uses her cool-down period to get the deets on what Lauren's been up to. Lauren talks about her trip to Italy and Stephanie and Doug's date. Even the trainer is like, "Didn't you date Doug, Lauren?" Didn't Whitney date the trainer at one point? The trainer is all, "Stephanie's a straight-up bitch! That shit is wack!" Okay, I don't know why I made the trainer a character from In Living Color circa 1992, but work with me here.
Wow, MTV really loves Britney now. They are featuring her new song right at the top of the show. Anyway, Lauren and Stephanie meet up at FIDM outside. Lauren is totally giving Stephanie the cold shoulder and then just blurts out, "I heard you had dinner with Doug. What are you doing?" Stephanie claims that Doug took advantage of her and used her to get back at Lauren. And then Stephanie is like, "But I'm totally going to his party tomorrow." Kind of awesomely, Lauren is like, "You erased him from your phone and want nothing to do with him... but you're going?" Stephanie comes up with some bullshit rationale about how she got the invite weeks ago. Dude, it's not a wedding. You can just not show up. Lauren gives her a scrunchy WTF face and Stephanie (who I'm just now realizing kind of looks like old school Ashlee Simpson) grins stupidly. And then they both just stare into space.
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In the review of last week's activity, Tom lumps Jeff and Ted together as "funny guys," which I guess may be true, but seems weird. Tom reveals that tonight will be the paso doble and the rumba, and while the stars had five weeks to prepare for last week's dances, this time around, they only had four days. FOUR DAYS! Except that if they learned the other dances quickly, they could have started on this one, right? Or do they not know until after the results show which one they are doing?Anyway, Tom and Samantha introduce the couples, and they have some wacky outfits this week! There are a lot of boobs. Hello, Toni's boobs. And Brooke's boobs. And Susan Lucci's boobs, which look like ping pong balls attached to a toothpick. Len explains that tonight is tougher than last week because of the short prep time, but he hopes to be surprised. My husband (he's back!) remarks that HD is not kind to Cloris Leachman. I tell him that I'm not kind to Cloris Leachman either.
Toni and Alec are up first. Toni reveals that Alec promised her that if they made it through the first week, he would sing in public, since that would make him as uncomfortable as dancing makes her. So Alec goes to a karaoke bar and tries to sing "Unbreak My Heart" and he is TERRIBLE. Really bad. Good thing this show isn't called "Singing with the Dancers." Their rumba begins. I'm wondering how Toni keeps that awesome body if she has a heart condition and probably isn't really allowed to work out hard. Maybe she's just genetically blessed. Anyway, the rumba is not really my thing. It always looks like Solid Gold to me. Their flesh-colored outfits aren't helping. I can tell that it looks graceful, although I'm not feeling the emotional connection. What about the judges? Tom holds up a 2 paddle as his score for Alec's singing first. In real judging, Len says that he was surprised at how good it was, although he would have liked more basic dancing. Bruno liked the dramatics, but they need to work on the basics. Carrie Ann thinks that Toni dances like she sings, but she calls them on two lifts. Really? There were? I was totally not paying attention. Sorry about that. Backstage, Alec makes a William Hung joke. Again, really? Alec needs better writers. Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 8, and Bruno 8.
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Previously, Lauren and Audrina patched things up. Lo and Audrina? Not so much. Lauren dumped Doug, and Stephanie seemed shady. Wow, Stephanie and Doug mentioned in the same sentence? I wonder what that could mean?Lauren is packing. Oh, this is so like Laguna! I swear, half of that show was someone packing while their friends stood around and watched. Anyway, Lauren is going on vacation, leaving Audrina and Lo home alone. DRAMA! Lauren drives off, and Audrina looks like she's already plotting her escape from evil Lo.
After credits, Stephanie arrives at LAL's house. Audrina awkwardly tells her that Lauren's not there, but apparently Stephanie is there to talk to her. And get more camera time! Audrina says that she and Lo have been cooking together this week a lot, but they haven't been able to get in touch with Lauren in Italy. Stephanie has a confession: Doug asked her out. Audrina is like, "How dare you go against Lauren! Even though she dumped him!" She conveys this with no emotion in her face, as usual, although she does lift her eyebrows. Stephanie's skin looks great this week. Anyway, Audrina advises her to wait and talk to Lauren before taking action. Stephanie wonders how Lauren would even find out, and if that's your first question, there are shady activities happening. But she is Spencer's sister and thus, inherently shady. Did I just agree with Brody again? I have GOT to stop doing that.
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Previously, Audrina spent more time with JB, and Audrina and Lauren agreed to refresh their friendship. Spencer lied to Holly that both he and Heidi wanted her to move out and Holly started to realize that her sister kind of sucks.Holly asks Heidi and Spencer what they're doing that night. They're boring, and there aren't any red carpet events where Heidi can pull her hair back so tight that her eyeballs are popping out of her head (seriously, did you see those photos?), so they're planning to stay home. Holly thinks she needs to get out and meet people, adding that the only people she knows in L.A. are Heidi and [super long pause] Lauren. Spencer gives a dirty look, and I realize that Spencer's head is completely squared off on the top. Dude is not cute. At all. Heidi tries to be sort of diplomatic about her sister hanging out with Lauren in a passive-aggressive way, and Spencer gets flat-out aggressive-aggressive, telling Holly that as long as she's living under his roof, there will be no fraternizing with Lauren. He actually says fraternizing. I haven't heard that term used since my JV softball team used to have to share a bus to away games with the JV baseball team, and the baseball coach used to yell at us that there was to be no fraternizing betwixt the two. Holly, to her credit, gives Spencer a WTF look and says that she'd like to see a familiar face, and Spencer pouts and stomps out of the room like a child.
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Previously, Heidi's sister Holly thought about moving to Los Angeles but Spencer didn't want her staying with them because, like most abusive partners, he wanted to isolate Heidi from her friends and family. Lauren dumped Doug the Dud, and Audrina told Lo that they would never be friends. And now they're all going to Vegas for Frankie's birthday!
Lauren, Stephanie, and Lo walk out onto the tarmac of a private airport so that they can take Doug's jet to Vegas. Either Stephanie or Lo voices everyone's thoughts when she says, "You broke up with a guy who has a jet?" Oh, frozen burritos. How you create ostentatious displays of wealth. Anyway, they all board Air Burrito, and have I mentioned that Stephanie has on the shortest skirt ever? Lauren mentions that Audrina and Justin Bobby are coming on a different plane. Like, another private plane? Or are they flying commercial? Anyway, Lauren looks stressed out about it. Brody douches a speech about how he's glad Stephanie is there because it's almost as good as having Spencer there. Stephanie, who was looking kind of hopeful that Brody was giving a toast to her, is crestfallen. Lauren looks like she has a headache. Oh, dear.
Vegas. The group arrives at their hotel in two limos and head to their rooms. Lo asks Lauren if she's going to make out with Doug or Brody tonight. Lo places her bet on Brody and Stephanie goes with Doug. Lauren doesn't think she'll make out with either of them, because she's "been there, done that." Lo has to up the drama by bringing up Brody's toast. Stephanie isn't sure why Brody has been telling Lauren not to trust her, and Lauren thinks Stephanie just has to prove him wrong. Stephanie looks confused. She's probably thinking about her hamster/guinea pig.
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People's Revolution. Whitney announces that she's going to New York the next day, and she and Lauren express surprise that things are happening so quickly with Whitney's new job. Lauren jokes that all Whitney can do is "pack lots of black." I feel like there's a euphemism in there somewhere, but I can't quite find it, so I'm just going to stick with the ever-popular "That's what she said." I don't know what that means. Whitney earns her paycheck for the week by turning the conversation to Lauren and Doug. Lauren admits that she's not that excited about Doug, and she's kind of over it, because there's no spark there. Whitney advises Lauren to end things, because it's not like a spark is just going to present itself at some future point. She even gives Lauren some talking points, which boil down to "It's not you, it's me." Lauren knows she should do it, but just doesn't want to have the conversation. Who does? Is there anyone out there who looks forward to the break-up conversation?
FIDM. Lauren meets up with Stephanie on a wall outside. Stephanie breaks the news that Spencer disowned her over the birthday party. The thing that cracks me up is this: wouldn't you be kind of devastated, or at least mildly upset, if a sibling got so angry with you that he or she disowned you? And yet, Stephanie talks like she's discussing the fact that the pizza place ran out of pepperoni, so she had to have a plain cheese pizza for dinner last night. Not that she eats carbs, but you get the point. I'm not sure if this is because A) the sibling in question is Spencer, and he sucks, or B) Stephanie kind of sucks, or C) this whole thing is fake so who cares? Probably D) all of the above, right? Anyway, Stephanie uses the opportunity to express how grateful she is that Lauren is still her friend and it's all kind of embarrassing because I actually kind of like Lauren as a character on this fake show but the adulation does get a little over the top.
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Lauren and Stephanie are at their FIDM (or whatever) class thing, and Stephanie is telling Lauren about having her birthday party in some stupid club, and Lauren's excited about going. She wants to bring a guy. "You have a guy in your life?" asks Stephanie, and Lauren tells her about Doug the injured baseball player. Stephanie says athletes are her favorite type of guy. Really? Not intellectuals? Huh. Is she going to invite Spencer and Heidi? She says something about "drama" following Spencer and Heidi. "I don't know if it follows as much as they chase it," says Lauren. I don't know which draft of the script they're shooting, but that's a good line, and "Drama Follows Them" is the title of the episode.
Doug and Lauren hit the Creperie, and Doug talks about how great Lauren looks, and she burbles something about wanting to find their prom pictures, and Doug is all "I have them!" ...only he found them at the Laguna house and not his house here. Fascinating! You guys only have to fill half an hour a week, and this conversation makes the cut? He asks how things are with Audrina. Lauren says Audrina and Lo had a little chat that was a "disaster" and he says everyone in her life is hectic. She tells him about Stephanie's birthday party, and he says he'll be there, and she hopes Spencer won't be. "Blood's thicker than water," he says, which I presume was the second choice for episode title.
Over at Epic Records, Audrina's pretending to work with Chiara, who acts all outraged about Lo's chat with Audrina, and Audrina is apparently going to the stupid birthday party, too.
At People's Revolution, Whitney natters on about Kelly, Robin and Emily coming to town to check on things, and she's going to a work dinner with them tonight. She's a little nervous and intimidated. "Do you have anything going on this week?" she asks Lauren, who tells her about the birthday party. "Are Spencer and Heidi coming?" asks Whitney, and Lauren says Stephanie said they weren't, which Whitney seems to think is bizarre. "I'm not even going to try to understand that relationship," says Lauren, which is good advice for everyone watching this show to follow about everyone ON this show.
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Last season, Lauren and Whitney got new jobs working for Kelly Crow-trone, who is no Lisa Love, but is still kind of awesome, especially in interviews where she seems totally bemused to be part of this show. Lauren, Lo and Audrina moved into a house together, and Audrina was feeling left out and contemplated moving into her own place. Lauren had a heart-to-heart with her, and Audrina confessed that she thought Lo was trying to break them apart. Which, by the way, Lo totally was, and I love Lo. Meanwhile, Heidi whatever and her job whatever and Spencer whatever. So Spencer moved back in and whatever.
Lauren and Whitney are at work, and Whitney asks how things are going at home. Going through racks of clothes is totally the new sitting in the fashion closet when it comes to Whitney asking Lauren about her life. Lauren says that Lo is helping her throw a birthday party for Audrina, and also Lauren has a date with a guy named Doug. We all know from reading the gossip sites that Doug is Casey from Laguna's brother, which is hilarious to me because Casey was such a goon. Anyway. Lauren went to prom with him, and they don't mention that Doug is a pro baseball player, so presumably he's either been playing college ball or playing in the minors and just moved back to L.A. And he asked Lauren out! She's excited; she tells Whitney that she hasn't been on more than one date with a guy since Heidi and Spencer set her up with Brody. Whoa. That's a dry spell. Whitney is shocked and she and Lauren giggle. Aw. I actually missed these two together.
Bolthouse. Heidi and Kimberly walk in. Heidi should really not wear skinny jeans. She has no fat on her body, but she's somehow still a little hippy and the skinny jeans don't work for her. Heidi says that her sister is coming to town for the weekend, but she's nervous because Spencer sucks. I mean, she has other reasons, but it boils down to the fact that Spencer sucks. Nice to know that some things never change. Also, Heidi is kind of to blame because she didn't tell Spencer that her sister was coming, and she didn't tell her sister that Spencer moved back in with her. So Heidi's plan is to get home early and play it casual. That should work well.
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